Banjo-Kazooie: Traitors to Nintendo

Banjo-Kazooie may be announced for Super Smash Brothers Ultimate. By the time you read this, that nightmare scenario may have already occurred. There’s also the chance that we have avoided such a terrible fate but people seemed awfully sure that the traitorous bear and bird would make their return to the Nintendo fold, and so I’m here to beseech anyone who listens not to let those two turncoats in. If you must have a Rare representative in Super Smash Brothers Ultimate, why not go all the way to the beginning and use Jetman?

Jetman in Jetpac

While he originally appeared on a non-Nintendo system, he eventually made his way there with Solar Jetman and eventually as a mini-game in Donkey Kong 64. He would also be one of the many characters who got their start off Nintendo and eventually found their way onto one of their consoles, even if his last appearance was on the Rare Replay compilation for XBox One. You could also go a different route and opt for someone who not only got their start off of a Nintendo console, but off video games entirely?

Lady robot from Pin Bot
Lady robot from Pin Bot

This robot lady would make a fine addition to Super Smash Brothers Ultimate. That screen is her only appearance in that game or any other. Even Bride of Pin Bot, which was a sequel pinball table to the Pin Bot table this game was based upon, featured a much different lady robot. I understand, you want someone with a bit more recognizability. I’ve got the perfect character for you.

Taboo: The Sixth Sense
Taboo: The Sixth Sense

The Tarot deck from Taboo: The Sixth Sense! The game may be more infamous than famous, but it’s still a Rare Nintendo exclusive. Unlike a certain bear, bird, lady robot, or astronaut Taboo: The Sixth Sense was exclusive to the Nintendo Entertainment System. Admittedly, transforming a Tarot deck into a playable fighter would pose some difficulties but they could do something that was a mix between Robin and Shulk. If this idea doesn’t thrill you, here’s one that’s sure to please.

Rattle and Roll from Snake Rattle and Roll
Rattle and Roll from Snake Rattle and Roll

The two snakes from Snake Rattle and Roll fulfill not only the New Obscure Retro Nintendo Character quotient this iteration of Super Smash Brothers is lacking, but they’d also be perfect Rare representatives! The fact that they’re just mobile heads until they’ve eaten some orbs to grow tails should be completely ignored. They’re perfect, and if you don’t think so, then how about this next one?

Vela from Jet Force Gemini

Admittedly, I’ve never played this game but her game came out when I was fourteen and that character design held great appeal back then. She would probably be an interesting character inclusion and if I were to play the game I’d probably be sure of it. It’s only available on the original cartridge and Rare Replay, like so many of these characters. In that sense, she is also a traitor and one which didn’t have the benefit of helping popularize the Nintendo 64 like Banjo-Kazooie. We’ve established that those two are traitors, but there’s another character we could use.

Tiptup the Turtle from Diddy Kong Racing
Tiptup the Turtle from Diddy Kong Racing

Tiptup the Turtle originally appeared with Banjo in Diddy Kong Racing, and even popped up in two of the four Banjo-Kazooie games. The only divergence was when Banjo left Nintendo and didn’t deign to return for Diddy Kong Racing DS. Tiptup did, and his loyalty should prove that he’s a far better fit for Super Smash Brothers Ultimate than that furry Judas. If we wanted a character that never strayed, there’s always another fellow.

Lanky Kong from Donkey Kong 64
Lanky Kong from Donkey Kong 64

Lanky Kong may have been disrespected by the DK Rap, but he’d be a prime contender for Super Smash Brothers Ultimate. He’s not only never not been on a Nintendo console, but his moveset is perfect! Lanky’s reach would make him akin to a furry Dhalism, his ability to inflate would be a perfect recovery move, he has a grape blowgun for projectiles, and even a move that would enhance his speed! What other Rare characters can you say that about? Banjo-Kazooie? I guess their moveset is almost perfect for Super Smash Brothers Ultimate, too. Huh. This next choice is the one that will put aside any doubts that Banjo-Kazooie should not be the Rare representative, though.

Any Battletoad from Battletoads

The Battletoads have been a staple of Nintendo systems since the beginning! Then again, they have strayed far more than Banjo-Kazooie. They appeared on Sega consoles, in the arcade, and even followed the bear and bird to Microsoft when that sale went through. They do have a diverse move-set, but so do Banjo-Kazooie. Upon closer examination, it would seem that each and every character above has their strengths but it would seem that Banjo-Kazooie might actually be a good choice for this.

Besides, we can at least be satisfied that the addition of Banjo-Kazooie means that there’s one slot less for Steve from Minecraft or another freaking Fire Emblem character.

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